The Bridge of Connection: Mastering the Transcendent Function
Imagine a date between a man and a woman. The man thinks: I should say something. The woman looks away at her phone. She thinks, Oh, this is awkward. What should we talk about? I’ll just look at my phone to avoid the discomfort of the situation.
Why can’t they say anything? Why don’t they have anything to talk about?
The answer, according to Carl Jung, involves something he called the Transcendent Function. This is the ability to extrovert the introverted and to introvert the extroverted. Jung believed that without this function, introverted thoughts would remain internal forever, and extroverted thoughts would remain entirely separate from our inner world. A bridge is needed for these two forces to unify.
But how do we master this bridge?
The Art of Paying Attention
Throughout this trip, Nina and I have been engaged in near-constant conversation. We discuss everything: logistics, philosophy, our emotions, and our physical experiences. We share in the beauty of different places and curiosity about the people we encounter. On train trips, we observe our surroundings and always find something interesting happening.
So, if you ask yourself, “What should we talk about?” it is rarely because there is nothing to say. Usually, it is because:
You are not paying attention.
You are working too hard to filter your thoughts.
Holding back the Transcendent Function takes immense energy. It is like the “ironic process theory”—you can’t not think of a blue ice bear. To suppress a thought requires active, exhausting moderation. The Transcendent Function is released only when we relax our filters rather than tighten them.
The Three Types of Thoughts
The world is a fascinating place, and so is your mind. It is full of intricate feelings and emotions, but how do you learn to recognize them? How do you give them shape and form?
Many of our thoughts are intangible and vague; we often lack the words to express them. Other thoughts we are simply afraid to share. They feel like opening Pandora’s box. We worry: How will the other person react? Will they think I’m crazy? Will they get upset or make me feel stupid?
So, we hold back. I like to say that we have three types of thoughts:
Those we dare to express and discuss with others.
Those we keep to ourselves.
Those we keep even from ourselves.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung
Thoughts as Clouds
Spirituality can be a way to navigate and verbalize the unconscious, providing rituals and language for unknown sensations. This is why I meditate—it is a tool to interact with the unconscious, granting intense realizations into my life and emotions.
To Jung, unconscious thoughts have the power to direct our energy and restrict our autonomy. It is like having an unknown master ruling you without your awareness. Some thoughts may feel so weird at first that you try to distract yourself with a phone, a book, or a game.
But how “bad” are these thoughts, really?
To me, thoughts are the most unthreatening things in the world. Thoughts are like clouds. They are just words. They don’t reflect who you are; they just reflect your current mental landscape. You have as little control over which thoughts pop up as you do over which people show up in your environment.
Similarly, you shouldn’t fear the thoughts of others. Just because someone says something doesn’t mean they “are” that way. It might just be something they read in the news or something their mother told them once. If we learn to speak freely and listen with open eyes—rather than with fear of perception—the tension evaporates.
Radical Vulnerability: Thinking Out Loud
Learning to think out loud is a superpower. It is how we connect with others’ networks to solve problems together. People who think out loud might feel they sound “stupid,” but they are actually being highly intelligent: they are outsourcing their cognitive load to the environment.
Instead of worrying in silence about whether you are on the right train, share the observation: “I wonder if we are on the correct train?” The other person might have seen a sign you missed.
Humans have evolved to synchronize brain patterns. If you are silent and worried, the other person feels that turmoil unconsciously. What if we went back to that awkward date and simply shared the present moment?
“I feel nervous.”
“I am wondering what to order.”
“I see another couple that seems to be having a difficult time. Do you see that too?”
The Goal: Sharing the “Now”
The best thoughts to share are your current observations, not the ones you had last year. Yesterday’s thoughts should have been expressed yesterday. Today’s thoughts belong to today.
You might think that talking is purely “extroverted,” but when you share something deep from within, you are introverting the world. You are integrating both sides of yourself to be authentic.
Relationships aren’t meant to be a connection between two perfect, filtered versions of people. They are meant for the human, fragile, and complicated versions of us. I think back to the times I struggled to explain my emotions, only to finally admit them and realize the other person felt the exact same way.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask. “Why didn’t you tell me?” they reply.
Human relationships are complicated and silly like that. We should stop thinking we are alone and start seeing how connected we really are.
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