A few days ago, I recorded an online conversation with my friend Matt Sherman from Geek Psychology. We last met in person six months ago for sushi in Tokyo, and it was really nice to catch up again and talk about what happens when your personality type turns into a comfort zone, how I got out of my own head in my twenties, and what I have learned while preparing to become a father and finishing my new book, Why I Love. Today, Sunday, October 18, is also the very last day of the pre-order campaign for my book before pre-orders close at midnight.
What Matt and I Talked About in This Conversation
1. Why Introspection Without Experience Goes in Circles
In my twenties, I got stuck in the search. Every time I did something unexpected or liked something that did not fit my idea of an INFJ, I had a small identity crisis. I sat at home wondering if I had mistyped myself or if I needed a more accurate psychological theory to explain who I was.
In my experience, if you spend all your time introspecting and searching inside your own head, you run out of real-world experiences to reflect on. You end up thinking about the same problems in circles. Real self-discovery happens when you step outside your habits, try a job, go on a date, or move to a new place, and then reflect on how you actually felt and acted in that moment.
2. Taking Small Steps When Big Dreams Feel Paralyzing
When I lived in Amsterdam, I wanted to be an author and change the world, and the size of that ambition paralyzed me. I felt burnt out from my early years in politics and overwhelmed by the pressure to do something big with my life.
What helped me was making the step much smaller. I told myself that I was just going to show up for one job interview, and then show up for one month at a customer service job. A creative part of me worried that taking a normal nine-to-five job meant betraying my idealism. To my surprise, another part of me loved waking up at eight in the morning, having a steady routine, and answering calls to help people solve their problems.
Years later, that path led me to my current work as an IT architect. At twenty-five, I told myself that IT was all cold logic and code and could never fit my personality. Today, I love how social my work is. I sit with colleagues, listen to what they want to build, and help them create websites and tools that make their daily work easier. I found that the goal at work is not to fit in with people who are identical to you, but to contribute something useful that only you can bring.
3. Letting Go of Social Pressure and Dropping the Mask
Many introverts tell me that socializing feels exhausting. In my experience, group settings become draining when you feel pressured to act loud, funny, or entertaining to get approval. When you allow yourself to show up in a group as an introvert, say as much or as little as you want, and focus on simple human contact, being around people becomes much more natural.
The day before my conversation with Matt, I went to get a haircut. Five minutes after I sat down in the chair, the hairdresser, who had worked in her salon for thirty years, started telling me about losing her mother to Parkinson’s last year. Ten minutes into the haircut, both of us had tears in our eyes, and a minute later we were laughing together at something funny her mother had said. When you open up and talk about real life with the people around you, you give them permission to drop their masks too.
4. Preparing for Fatherhood and Remembering the Five-Year-Old in You
My wife Nina and I are expecting our son in the next few weeks here in Uppsala, Sweden. Five years ago, I never thought I would be married or become a parent. I had convinced myself that family life was for other people while I was supposed to live an unconventional life on my own.
During the first three months of Nina’s pregnancy, I tried to prepare the old way by studying books and information about how to be a dad. In the second trimester, I stopped studying theory and spent those months remembering what it was actually like for me when I was five years old, how I experienced my parents, and what I needed when I felt sad or overwhelmed as a kid.
Whenever I have to do something difficult or tedious today, I ask myself two questions: Would future Erik be happy with me for doing this today? And would the five-year-old version of me recognize himself in who I am now?
5. Today Is the Last Day to Pre-Order My Book
I spent the last three years writing Why I Love, and I wanted to finish and release it before our son arrives, because I know that becoming a father will change me and give me a new story to tell in the future.
The book is a personal, conversational guide through eight forms of love and care, written to help you question the rigid labels and expectations you carry and build your own inner compass of values.
Today, Sunday, October 18, is the final day of the pre-order campaign. Pre-orders close tonight at midnight, and after today I will shift my focus to printing and shipping the books to everyone who ordered. If you want to read the book and get an early copy, you can place your pre-order right here on the crowdfunding page.
A Question for Your Own Life
Where in your life have you let a label or an old story about your personality stop you from trying something new? What is one small step you can take this week that your future self will thank you for?
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