“I don’t do parties.” I said. “I’m an introvert.” And I still don’t– but I have found other ways to embrace extroverted life and even to love it, without giving up the things I identified with as an introvert. This is my story of integration.
Carl Jung never meant for people to feel stuck in their preferences. He didn’t intend for people to make important life decisions based on their personal, subjective ideas. His work was never meant to be an instruction manual. To Carl Jung, the goal was integration—the unification of opposites. But that does not mean becoming a balanced, average person, and it does not mean “being both at the same time.”
Let’s talk about what it really means to integrate extroversion into your life without sacrificing your authentic, personal preferences, and without the need to forcefully change yourself, simply by allowing what is inside of you to come forward.
The Roots of Repression
Jung believed that the opposing, extroverted tendency in an introvert was an equal part of the person. That means that you were born with extroverted qualities that have come to be repressed due to your environment, upbringing, or roles that you have come to take on in your life. Part of these adaptations are natural, a result of our desire to specialize, to have unique skills and abilities, and to find ways to contribute to the world. Other parts, though, were rejected—not because you wanted to, but because you thought you needed to. It was intentionally giving up on something that was important to you. Perhaps you allowed these qualities in yourself in your childhood, and maybe you can remember a time in your life where these natural, extroverted traits were allowed and accepted in the world. But something changed. Part of the journey to integration is realizing what changed and asking yourself if that is still true today.
Trauma and the Extreme Type
When you read Carl Jung’s psychological types, you will read about eight extreme stereotypes, each one equally unhealthy and strange. The introverted intuitive is described as a crank, speaking in a way that makes no sense to the outside world. The introverted feeler appears cold on the outside, carrying a harsh exterior, and almost too sensitive to function.
Jung focused his studies on people that had experienced severe trauma in life. The more extreme and pronounced these psychological preferences are, the more likely it is that a person has experienced trauma in their life. The process of integration is, therefore, the process of overcoming trauma.
Preserving Your Introverted Nature
As an introvert, you may naturally gravitate towards a great deal of very healthy and important activities. You may prioritize calming activities, peace, stability, and self-reflection. You may be well acquainted with your inner emotional life, or you may have well-developed personal skills and abilities, and an interest in cultivating these skills and finding something that is your own, distinct nature. You may be a philosophically inclined person. These are not things that you have to reject or let go of, or even tone down, in order to become more integrated. These are things that even extroverts would benefit from– if they could integrate their own introverted shadow.
The Misconception of Forced Socializing
Integrating your extroverted shadow does not mean going to more parties, being more social, or speaking more loudly, either. So what does it really mean?
For the longest time, I put a great deal of pressure on myself to act more extroverted. I forced myself to speak fast, to look more animated, to be louder, to take more space, and to stand up on stages. I wanted to get rid of my inner introvert somehow—to forcefully change myself so I could become a more successful person. I thought my introverted nature kept me from making a difference in the world, and that the only way to make a difference was by being the loudest person in the room, the most dominant.
The Trap of Forced Change
But it never felt natural. I tired myself out, to the point of becoming burnt out in my early 20s. I was forced to recognize my emotional boundaries and respect my own needs. But that didn’t mean that I wanted to live a lonely life either. I didn’t want to isolate myself from others just because I found extroverting difficult. So I tried to “half-and-half” it. I tried being a little social, and then withdrawing, and then being a little social again, but it led me into superficial, boring relationships and locked me in a state of push and pull, constantly trying to make sure that things didn’t become too much. I was looking for a state of balance that didn’t exist. Balance, in nature, is not that everything is the same bland color of grey, or becoming some kind of “ambiverted” person—not too loud, not too quiet. Balance is about finding peace between your introverted and extroverted side, unifying them to become a unique kind of person, with a unique color and nuance. This requires the reconciliation of these two opposite tendencies, recognizing they are a part of your natural self.
The Pendulum Effect and Energy Activation
A few years ago, I discovered something called the pendulum effect and found that extreme periods of introversion would naturally cause me to swing to extreme periods of extroversion. If I was too extroverted, I would soon swing back into becoming very reflective, and that helped me realize that the two were one and the same. Extroverted, outgoing activity helped fuel introspection, and extroverted experiences drove deep introspection and increased self-awareness. A lack of extroversion would make me neither introverted nor extroverted; it would make me become less alive. This helped me see how extroverted action was an ally to my introversion, not an enemy. I reframed this into a simple principle:
We need introversion in order to generate latent energy, but we need extroversion to activate this energy.
It’s kind of like your car. You need to fuel it up at the gas station, but once the tank is full, you need to slam the gas pedal to actually move forward.
Finding Your Unique Style
This realization deepened in me as I realized that I had my own unique extroverted style. Certain forms of extroversion, I found, were more difficult and more exhausting. Others were easy. Part of the reason why my extroverted tendency had been driven to the shadows was because I had internalized some unhealthy, inaccurate beliefs about what it meant to be extroverted. For example, I thought extroverts needed to be loud and fast. Later, I realized that I could attend social events and still allow myself to speak quietly, softly, and slowly. In fact, I didn’t have to speak at all. It was enough to just go out and observe, to take it in. I thought being an extrovert meant I needed to pursue the loudest, most busy, fun venues, like parties. Later, I learned that going to a cafe, going on a hike, or doing a day trip was enough to give my inner extrovert stimulation.
Permissions and Positive Reframes
Remember this:
You are allowed to attend social events and spaces just the way you are, without the need to change yourself.
You are welcome to be just as loud or quiet as you want to be; in fact, you don’t have to speak at all if you don’t want to.
You are allowed to move in any environment—at your school, workplace, or outside—even if you do it alone. You can still go to the cinema, eat at a restaurant, or go rock climbing.
These are just some examples of positive reframes of common limiting beliefs that we can have. These beliefs are things that can keep you from connecting with and expressing your inner extrovert.
Conclusion: The Spark of Wholeness
Failing to express your inner extrovert as an introvert can mean failing to express an important need in yourself. Science has shown that people who do not allow themselves to be extroverted, or who have a block in their extroverted side, are less happy. It’s like you’re living life without a spark. The tank is full, but no matter how much you rest or how much you isolate from other people, there is no spark. You don’t feel energized, even though you have energy, because you don’t know how to expand or use the energy that you have stored up inside. You think you’re tired—you’re really just holding yourself back.
But you have a right to express yourself and to go out into the world, just the way you are, and to speak about the things that interest you, motivate you, and make you feel excited, in a way that feels aligned with your authentic self and core needs. That is what it means to have achieved integration between your introversion and extroversion. It is the feeling of freedom to be yourself both inside and outside. It is the feeling of being a complete, whole person, rather than a limited, fragmented one. I know these people as both extreme introverts – and extreme extroverts – at the same time. And I have found that some of the most outgoing people I know, are people with strong personal boundaries, inner depth, and a deep appreciation for alone time and self-reflection. I don’t think that is a coincidence. Integration does not make us find some balanced state of lagom. Integration allows us to unlock hidden personality traits and skills in ourselves that we didn’t know that we had. Integration allows us to see that what we think is in opposition to us, is really a complementary part of our bigger whole.
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