Dear diary,
I have this strong passion to always keep improving, keep growing, keep hitting new insights, new levels, new discoveries. This is my passion and also my biggest stressor. It exhausts me to feel this pressure to keep posting better and more interesting videos and to keep improving my content. My desire to get attention is the worst part about me. It’s not a driver – it’s a brake. It keeps me from truly being myself and who I am. That’s how extraverted sensing manifests in my life, everyone.
I don’t actually want attention – attention overwhelms me. If my community suddenly exploded in size, I would probably not have the energy to maintain it and all the people, it would just wear on me. There’s a truth to the saying “Be careful with what you wish for.” – especially when you don’t actually want what you wish for. I much prefer my community to grow slowly, so I can ease into it. If I actually cared about attention seeking, I would just make clickbait videos doing crazy students, filming dead bodies to get more viewers… Most of my time actually goes into research and theory. The videos are just where I translate the research to myself and to all of you.
That’s my true passion. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get anxious when my theory takes me away from my audience or community. I become easily frustrated if I’m so deep in theorising I can’t output any kind of coherent thought. It’s difficult when I don’t know how to translate what is going on inside to my friends and loved ones, and to my community. I want to bridge it all somehow. Get people to understand my theories. So that’s my true passion, I love the storytelling and the teaching aspects of what I do. I should make sure that’s my number one concern. Being a better storyteller and teacher, doing more research, sharing more insight. That’s why I do youtube.
Sometimes I get burnt out from trying too hard. I fall into attention seeking behaviour, becoming frustrated if I don’t grow or get the eyes of my audience. It’s not healthy, and it’s important that I remind myself to focus on the important aspect: the insight and my long-term vision. But reminding yourself of that is not as easy as you think. When you’re caught up with it, you don’t know that you’re caught up with it. That’s why frequent introspection is necessary, I guess.
Dear diary, dear community, I always enjoy talking with you. You can always send me a message if something is going on or if you’re struggling with something. Perhaps you also make videos, art, or perhaps you’re also a writer. Then you might relate to what I’m saying here. Either way, thanks for being around and for being you.
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