INFJ, ENFJ, ESFJ or ISFJ? You might be a people pleaser. But the good news is, you can hack your own generosity and make your kindness a good thing by nurturing interdependence and empowering yourself and other people. These are my five tips for people pleasers, so that you can avoid co-dependency in relationships, and nurture healthy and powerful connections with your friends, loved ones, and family members. Take the quiz and find out how you relate to and connect to other people.
Are You A People-Pleaser Quiz
5 Tips For People That Try To Please Everyone
- Make yourself a person you are trying to please
Hack your own outward and social motivation by making yourself one of the people in your care and responsibility. Take yourself out to dinner, to the movies, or out into nature. Support yourself on low days. Think creatively about how you can help and support and make yourself happy. As if you were someone else.
- Focus on setting a personal example
The best way you can help other people is through setting a positive personal example. Try to be a good role model and focus on teaching other people how to live by showing other people how you live. Teach other people how to fish by being a good fisherman – and teaching other people the tricks you learnt, being a good fisherman.
- Go from co-dependence to interdependence
Your goal is to leave every person you meet a stronger person for and by themselves. Nurture and teach independence. How can you do this in practice?
- Never give unless you have been asked.
Let people know that they have to ask for your support or help or clearly request it, and do not help people unless asked. There is a reason for this. If you give help without being asked, you take ownership of the situation and remove the control other people can feel over their own life and challenges. This can lead to weakened self-esteem for the other. And as a kind person, you want people to feel good, confident, and secure, right?
- Let people know the cost of your help or support
Stop saying “It was nothing.” It wasn’t nothing. Let people know the time and cost of your support for you. Let them know if something is going to take time for you or if you are stressed or if their demands are heavy for you. This is important because you want to nurture interdependence, which is, when you both feel a strong connection and are both attuned to the needs and emotions of one another, and prepared to help and support one another.
- Ask as much in return as you are prepared to give
Just as you want to feel useful and important to others, other people want a chance to feel useful and important to you. Therefore, make a habit to always let other people know how they can help you. This can also be something small and silly, like asking for a thank you back, or a hug, a back-rub or a cookie.
4. Learn that people don’t always know what they want
You don’t have to give people exactly what they want. In fact, many will not be happy even if you do give them what they want. Make sure you get good feedback on your help and support and learn how people want to feel loved and supported. You might be good at giving people love through acts of service, cleaning, or cooking, but they might not appreciate that, instead, they might prefer compliments, or kind words. Ask if something you did made them feel happy and help people find out what it is they want and what they need. Take time to attune yourself to the other person and make sure they are clear on what they want or expect so there are no misunderstandings.
5. Learn that you can give in many different ways
The direct approach is not always the best approach.
Sometimes, in-direct help is more invaluable than direct help. That means, think about how to find subtle ways to make a difference in another person’s life. You don’t have to fix others’ problems, but you can do small things to make their days a little better, a little easier.
Notice that many small acts can make a big difference in the end, and ultimately trust in that they have more power than they know and that no matter how stressed or tough their life might be, they are ultimately capable and can do more than what you think. You don’t want to fix other people’s problems – there will always be problems – you will want them to have the power to fix their own problems. Therefore, the indirect approach is always best!
I hope these tips can set you on the right path and that you are on the way to not just pleasing other people but also yourself!
Self-love resources
I have a set of resources you can use to connect more with and show more self-love!
My Self-Love Special
Check out my self-love special, with videos to help you become more compassionate both towards yourself and to other people.
Tips For Enneagram 2 and 9
The Enneagram 2 Helper-Caregiver can sometimes find themselves too focused on the needs of other people.
Similarly, the Enneagram 9 may seek to compromise too much in order to avoid conflict.
Learn more about the Enneagram 9
Tips for Extroverted Feeling types
As an INFJ, ENFJ, ESFJ or ISFJ, I recommend the following resources:
